Oh, we hear you. Often times, the other person or side does not actually want to engage in healthy conflict. They like how it feels to be in high conflict. Or to avoid conflict altogether. What then?

Relevant Tools:

• Issue the Invitation: Ask the other person if they want to do the conflict differently. Be transparent. (We dedicate an entire module on this in our Good Conflict Master Class, if you are interested in going deeper.)

• Model Good Conflict: Even if they turn you down, you can still demonstrate what good conflict looks like. In meetings, respond to disagreements with curiosity and interest; stay connected; don’t give up on each other. Show don’t tell. (Our co-founder Hélène explains this in more detail on Instagram here and LinkedIn here.)

Avoidance is the most common problem we encounter. It feels safe, even when it’s not. People go to HR instead of to one another; people keep quiet in meetings, even when they have important dissenting points to make. Here’s what you can try:

Relevant Tools:

• 10% Vulnerability: Your instinct in conflict might be to look tough. Never let them see you sweat. Instead, try humanizing yourself. Admit when you are struggling with a hard decision. Make yourself 10% vulnerable—so people feel more comfortable being 5% vulnerable around you.

• Tell Stories of Good Conflict: When you onboard new employees, make sure your leaders tell stories about times when junior staffers disagreed with something—and spoke up about it in a productive way. Stories are what people remember.

• Ask Different Questions: Make it easier for your team to have hard conversations and disagree. Jeff Wetzler, author of the book ASK, taught us to ask better questions in meetings. Instead of, “What do you think?” Try: “What’s your reaction to this?” Instead of, “Does that make sense?” Try: “What questions do you have?”

Conflict entrepreneurs are people (or companies) who exploit and inflame conflict for their own ends.

In a perfect world, we recommend distancing yourself from them. But what if you can’t?

This might be the most common question we get asked. And the answer is, be careful.

• First, make sure you don’t become a conflict entrepreneur yourself (which is very easy to do these days).

• Second, try to find out what else they care about. Can you redirect any of their energy in a mutually beneficial direction?

Read more about this from our co-founder Amanda in the Harvard Business Review or listen to her talk about this on the 10% Happier podcast with Dan Harris.